When is absentee voting not absentee voting? When you load up the Cap'n Crunch, the sardines with the Nicholas II look-alike on the can, and the kiwi fruit. You file into the self check-out line, which you now use because it's faster. Faster that is, when four people who are old enough to have voted for Social Security are trying to scan items, or their store card, or their credit card, or they've put an item down into the bag, only it's a magazine and doesn't weigh enough to register. So they jam it down into the bag, and the machine chides that there's now an "unexpected item" in the bag. So now they're waiting for the clerk, who's toxic enough that these machines were intended to prevent public contact with him, to come by and press a button that will let them scan the next magazine.

And while you're waiting in this no-wait line, you see...a voting machine!

Yes, Denver has thoughtfully once again provided early voting for those people who can't clear time out of their schedules months, or even years in advance.

Here are the locations:

Days: Monday Aug. 2, 2004 through Friday Aug. 6, 2004

Times: 10:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m.

Monaco Safeway, corner of Yale & Monaco - 6460 E. Yale Ave.

Sheridan Safeway, corner of Jewell & Sheridan - 1955 S. Sheridan Blvd.

44th & Lowell Safeway, corner of 44th & Lowell - 3800 W. 44th Ave.

Chambers Safeway, corner of 48th & Chambers - 4884 Chambers Rd.

26th & Federal Safeway, corner of 26th & Federal - 2660 Federal Blvd.

Evans Safeway, corner of Evans & Downing - 2150 S. Downing St.

Leetsdale King Soopers, corner of Leetsdale & Monaco - 890 S. Monaco Pkwy.

East Montclair Community Center (E. Colfax and Newport) - 6740 E. Colfax

If you're a Republican or an independent, please vote for Bob Schaffer or Pete Coors. If you're a Democrat, please please please vote for Mike Miles.