I love driving. Not in Denver, of course, where the traffic is approaching DC proportions, and the street lights are timed for maximum disruption. Out in the country, whether it's Barracks Road north of Charlottesville, or Route 50 west of DC (well, west of Fairfax, really), or pretty much anything outside of the Boulder-Denver-Colo. Springs axis of tail lights.

Even if I don't get a real, all-out, two-week trip, I at least like to take a week and drive. Last year, it was out to Nevada and back through Utah. This year, it looks like it'll be a Circle Tour of the state. Trying to find kosher food, especially kosher protein (think Atkins), west of the Mississippi makes you appreciate what the miners went through.

So I got a dehydrator. For jerky. Good snack. You can put it in the front seat, and chew on it as you drive. Fedex, though, apparently aware of the tight time schedule, decided that the dehydrator needed to be broken in with a little travel of its own. Here's the tracking route since Monday:

Aug 25, 2004  11:03:00 PM    DENVER CO US              PACKAGE IN FEDEX LOCATION    

Aug 25, 2004  10:16:00 PM    DENVER CO US              ARRIVED AT FEDEX RAMP    

Aug 25, 2004  05:44:00 PM    COLORADO SPRINGS CO US    LEFT FEDEX RAMP    

Aug 25, 2004  05:43:00 PM    COLORADO SPRINGS CO US    ARRIVED AT FEDEX RAMP    

Aug 25, 2004  03:10:00 PM    OAKLAND CA US             LEFT FEDEX SORT FACILITY    

Aug 25, 2004  09:22:00 AM    SALT LAKE CITY UT US      LEFT FEDEX RAMP    

Aug 25, 2004  08:53:00 AM    SALT LAKE CITY UT US      ARRIVED AT FEDEX RAMP    

Aug 25, 2004  06:18:00 AM    PHOENIX AZ US             LEFT FEDEX RAMP    

Aug 25, 2004  04:52:00 AM    PHOENIX AZ US             ARRIVED AT FEDEX RAMP    

Aug 25, 2004  03:30:00 AM    INDIANAPOLIS IN US        LEFT FEDEX SORT FACILITY    

Aug 25, 2004  02:24:00 AM    DENVER CO US              ARRIVED AT FEDEX RAMP    

Aug 24, 2004  10:17:00 AM    INDIANAPOLIS IN US        ARRIVED AT SORT FACILITY    

Aug 24, 2004  01:26:33 AM    Woodbury MN US    

The package actually originated in Minneapolis (so now you know what large retailer I bought it from); there are actually a couple of entries that have dropped off the bottom. Personally, I suspect foul play by Mitch Berg.

I'm used to seeing a couple of extra entries on Fedex itineraries. They used to send everything to Memphis, and then send it out from there. They may still do that for overnight packages. I hadn't realized that it was standard policy to give all outgoing merchandise the Grand Tour of Western Airports. My dehydrator is now better-travelled that some luggage of mine that United got its hands on a few years back.

Why the package, having arrived in Denver yesterday morning, had to return to Indianapolis for counseling, is beyond me. In fact it didn't: look at the transit times for that trip. It sure didn't spend much time in Colorado Springs, although maybe it took a little detour up Pike's Peak on the way to Denver. It never seems to have arrived in Oakland at all, just left, which seems to be the ideal trip to Oakland.

I have heard that these reports are all pretty much made up, to give the customers some confidence that their package actually is moving along. If so, Fedex might want to rethink how much creative license it gives its agents. Right now, it's looking like the Max Cleland Delivery Service.